The first thing that I do after I pick a place to travel to is run to the nearest book store and snag a copy of the respective Lonely Planet book. From there I highlight, make marginal notes and make lists based off of the findings within the bounded spine. The one thing that it doesn't tell you is how to come home.
I would like to think that there isn't a set way to come home and that is why you can't find a trust worthy travel guide on how to come home, because it looks and feels different for everyone. The emotions are so drastic that one could not possibly put it simply into a book. Even as I write this post, I know that I will never get down the frustration, sadness and restlessness that has plagued me.
This is what I am finding out to be true on coming home-
1. You are going to want to cleanse yourself of everything that reminds you of the person you were before you left. This might include getting rid of piles of clothes at a time, because you just witnessed half of a country's population to be in mere rags. Before you left, doing what seems to be endless piles of laundry, use to be a daunting task. Now you just feel guilty for changing your outfit for dinner.
2. The smallest thing can set off the biggest emotional break down. Just the other day, I tried to fix myself a little breaky and ended up throwing a cereal bowl away as I cried on my kitchen floor. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I had choices for breakfast. It seemed ridiculous that there were six different types of cereal, five types of fruit, eggs, waffles and breakfast sandwiches to choose from. Some people only know rice porridge to be breakfast.
Oh and the next day, you'll just avoid the kitchen in general until your stomach starts screaming at you how hungry it is. And the day after that you still won't have eaten breakfast. But then soon, you will. The moral of this situation is that readjusting back to does in fact require baby steps, and that is okay.
3. The first trip to the grocery store will be the catalyst for anxiety and another break down resulting in you running out of the store before you can finish purchasing your items. I was privileged enough to experience life on different terms than I ever knew existed, it was only a distorted reality until I was there. Coming home soon becomes a series of depicting people's actions and selfish motivations. Stores, restaurants and social gatherings are very difficult to partake in because the isles and tables are consumed with selfishness, rude, self entitled people. Of course these different behaviors may seem like social norms in a Common Wealth society, but in the larger picture, I have come to realize how miserable Common Wealth citizens truly are.
4. It is going to seem as if you are traveling back in time. My biggest fear before I left was everyone was going to move on with their lives without me, and that I wouldn't have a place when I came back. Realistically though, not much is going to have changed. But there has been a larger, more impactful evolution within yourself. This isn't a testament to say that those who travel are better than those who don't venture off. But the truth is, when you travel you change at a more rapid pace. It appears that things back at home need a reason for a revolution, however, when you travel you are force to revolutionize your life because the world says so.
5. On that note, you won't be coming home the same person. I remember going to Africa for the first time and sobbing my eyes out because I knew that the girl who was boarding the plane at JFK airport was no longer going to return. To be honest, I did not expect this much change. I figured, I have seen suffering countries, I'm there to witness and hear stories ... but I never knew what would make of it. Little did I know my entire sense of self was in question. I would like to think that I will never properly or fully be the person I am meant to be. Which sounds scary, but my explanation for this is that I want to always work on bettering myself. I never want to be a completed project.
My priorities have radically changed, until Common Wealth living sucks me back into it. I listen to frustrated voicemails because "yet again," I didn't pick up my phone. Or too often do I go to make a phone call while I am out on errands to realize I have left it somewhere. I care more about talking slower and expressing thoughtful, genuine thoughts instead of surface level conversations. I've been fighting for kindness more and more. Kindness in the words I choose, the strangers I see and the amount of kindness presumed towards others. Mostly I allow myself to feel, without apologizing.
6. When changing and creating space for this new life, you will realize that some people from the past just don't fit. You no longer have energy to fight for friendships that don't continuously evolve you and make you a better person.
This.
Is.
Okay.
7. Anytime the mention of travel comes up in conversation, you will cry.
8. It doesn't make you a bad person for not wanting to be home.
Coming home is tough. It isn't a myth when people say you will experience more culture shock coming home than you do exploring uncharted territories. I had a couple of months given to me to live in a different country. There are things I witnessed and felt that most people will never begin to comprehend, and that is okay. It is difficult to explain the circumstances and events that weren't all picturesque although they are probably most important to my travels. Everyday has been a constant battle on who I was and who I have turned into. I am in frequent question of my surroundings, the people I associate myself with and the idea of what next.
Coming home isn't a photo oped homecoming.
It's lonely. It's discouraging to see the lack of ambition, when you once surrounded yourself with the most ambitious people. Looking back on older posts I laugh at the thought that I once missed home. Because 'that' home that I missed, isn't the one that I am in now.
At the end of the day, I just chuckle and say, "little naive girl, this is exactly what travel is all about. You wanted to be revolutionized, so you left. And now you are changed."
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