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If nothing else, this post is for me too look back on as a source of encouragement on the days when I miss home a little more than expected.
Settling into Cambodia was more difficult than I would have ever thought. This terrifies me to write down, because once it is written it is permanent and I fear that this reality discredits my ability to be a free spirit or world traveler that many people have confessed to being impressed by. But at the end of the day, I don't mind being one hundred percent honest.
It could have been a mix of things- from rushing to get to Cambodia, literally had two weeks to sublease my apartment, get a plane ticket, take my final exams, pack and say my goodbyes, or it could have been being miserably sick for the first three weeks here, but I woke up every day with the motivation that once these 24 hours were done with, I would be closer to getting home.
Instead of spending my days enjoying myself like I desperately wanted to, I spent my time thinking stories I could email to my boss to get me home sooner and messaged friends on Facebook debating if this is where I belonged. Every single day I woke up, I broke my own heart. While my heart broke, I encouraged myself to bring comforts of home into the mix to help me miss things a bit less. Trying to accomplish this was more frustrating that it should have been. I quickly found that the comforts of home in a third world country were going to cost you, $8 for a jar of peanut butter to be exact and $3 for a cup of coffee that didn't taste like gasoline.
I also noticed that I started allowing myself to set comfort zones (if you know anything about me, you know I don't have a comfort zone what so ever, so this was odd). I spent my first four hours of the day at My Little Cafe with Thom and his family. Then I would go to the same restaurant, Five Sons for dinner. In between I played with neighborhood kids and held my own English lessons for those who wanted it. My days were not extraordinary. I even shied away from writing because I didn't want to look back on my experience and realize that I was so pitiful at the beginning.
Then these past 24 hours happened.
I finally got fed up with my attitude. I talked to a handful of people all expressing that they would kill for my position and hey, I think if roles were reversed I would too! And I started to realize through these conversations I am one very lucky lady. Instead of taking it for granted I needed to put a quick pep in my step immediately.
When I woke up this morning I told myself, "Today is the day you will get lost in Siem Reap. And on purpose." Theory of thought: what better way to feel apart of something larger than yourself than by getting lost? During breakfast this morning, I made a list of five shops and cafes that I wanted to find in Siem Reap as little check points of figuring out my way.
And in the midst of getting lost, I found exactly what I was looking for.
Right across from my point C was a used book store.
I don't think I ever crossed a street so quickly in my entire life. Elated, I was overwhelmed by the books on the shelves even though there were weren't many, probably less than 150. I spent about two hours poking my hand through cobb webs just to read the backs of every single book, even the French books. And in that instant, I knew I was meant to be here.
Happier than I had been since arriving, I made it back to my apartment only to message an old friend of mine on Facebook. I had been thinking of him a lot and I've started to realize I would never be here, chasing this dream of giving my heart to small corners of the world, if it weren't for the people back home. Just like old times, we found ourselves wrapped up in conversation for a few hours.
Feeling excited for carrying around such a happy heart, I ventured out to treat myself to some good ol' Western chain cafe coffee pending no regrets. After bringing my order to me Ouim, played "Boom Shake," by Pitbull and Flo Rida. Immediately I jumped out of my seat and dragged her to our temporary dance floor. She laughed at my absurd dance moves but I refused to slow down.
After our dance session and enjoying my post dinner treat I retreated back to my apartment feeling satisfied and eager to jump into bed with the books I just bought.
On my walk home, it hit me ... none of this is supposed to be easy. If it was easy, everyone would pack up at 20 years old and decide to live in a third world country for a summer. And the best part of that realization is I realized, it is okay that it is challenging and difficult! After all, when have I not loved a good challenge?
Ladies from the massage parlor that I have visited and the waitress from Five Sons all gave me warm hugs as I walked by. Sign number two of the day that this is where I belonged.
Instead of heading home, I changed my route to pick up a bottle of champagne.
As someone once said, things come in threes. In this instance knowing that I was in love.
Walking out of the market with my celebration supplies for all of one guest, myself, it started down pouring on me. I read somewhere once that rain was a sign of new beginnings because it was able to wash away the bad and purify a town.
Sign number three.
Cheers to my new love affair xx
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