Pioneer Heart

"Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has to vision to recgonise it as such." -Henry Miller

Ever since I could remember my biggest dream, aside from being Miss USA, was to work for a non-profit. A non-profit that made change to those who were lesser off than I was. A non-profit with dignity and poise that didn't need to make face, in order to validate it's existence.

At the ripe, young and naive age of twenty I landed my dream job working for Reach Out Volunteers. The first time ever going overseas was with them and it was enchanting. I would be lying if I didn't admit to questioning this amazing opportunity that had been given to me without much effort on my part. It was meant to be. So I did what most reckless individuals would do: quit university, signed away my own non-profit work, sublet my apartment and packed a duffel bag trusting it would get me through.

I took the plunge and decided to make the commitment of marrying the world, for better or for worse. The only safety net I would have was my work, my heart, and a map that led home. Naturally, skeptics were critical of this decision. They knew you [the world] had too much history and I was too naive. But I boarded the plane, for better or worse, not asking for anything in return. Like all relationships we have had our ups and downs. A few bumps that landed four stitches on my chin, financial issues when a friend cheated me because they were more desperate for money, and days of illness that would make a grown man want to crawl into his mum's lap.

The only expectation of this commitment is to continuously give my heart away. And so I do.

And oh do I get burned for it.

It is a reality that I never wanted to face. In a way, I always made sure that I was under prepared to face it, as if, if I were prepared then someone that meant I was a cynic. I should have taken closer notes in history and English classes as each book has a preamble explaining that there are two kind of people in the world: the good and the bad.

I guess going into the non-profit sector you never suspect that it would be with those people. The missions that they are so dedicated to, that is scribbled on their websites are some of the most inspiring pieces of literature you can come across. Taking on this job, I never suspected I would become exposed to the selfish, and putting on face aspect of the business in such a raw manner.

"You will have three grand loves in your lifetime," I was once told. I'll reserve one for my last boyfriend and one for the world. And oh does the world break your heart more brutally than any human can imagine.

I didn't write at all in the month of June because I needed a break.

I needed to breathe.

There was this urgent need in not knowing how to feel what I was feeling, because I was afraid it would kill me. I didn't want to think about it. It was survival.

Then selfishly I didn't want to write about it because I wanted to internalize it and allow myself to experience it for myself. We live in this marvelous world where we over share, and share instantaneously. It can be a great feature to our lives, but it can also be suffocating. Lately, I have found it to be the latter.

That is where I have been the past month. Trying to figure it all out.

What do you do when you realize that you "dream job," falls short on all basis? In the past month I found out that one of my heroes Somaly Mam wasn't who she said she was. Does that make her a bad person? Truthfully I don't know. There is a huge part of me that wants to believe she saw a horrific issue in her country and took the most desperate of measures to try and find a way to raise awareness about it. Then, shortly after do I witness at hand that my family, Reach Out Volunteers, sadly fell into that ugly disguise of putting on a facade in the wake of turbulence, opposed to doing the right and most dignified thing.

Considerably young and thousands of miles away from home did I literally feel my world unravel around me.

With a note from the doctor requesting my bed rest, I am at home with two ruptured ear drums, a viral infection (have yet to beat it), and server exhaustion/dehydration.

Oh and a broken heart.

I have a few weeks to figure out the next big move.

But if I know one thing is for certain, I won't be home for long.