One of the most special people in my life always refers to me as her flower.

"If you love a flower, don't pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation."

-Osho

How perfect. On a day where I have done a lot of reflection about love and hearts and what it all means in the grand scheme of things this quote appeared.

I want my love to be free.

Realities of Being a Change Agent

Source: Humans of New York

"I went home to my country after I graduated. I thought I was going to be a change agent. Things were so corrupt there, that you had to pay a bribe to even get a driver’s license. I set up community organizations. I thought if people had information, and knowledge, the culture would change. But nothing changed. It’s so hard to build a democracy in a country with no history of democracy. Nobody cared about changing the country. They only wanted to enrich themselves. ‘Everyone has to eat,’ they would say."

I am an avid visitor of the site Humans of New York, I follow them on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter just to make sure I don't miss the magic. A couple of days ago this picture appeared on all of my feeds and it has been haunting me ever since. I think particularly, this story the man tells us is a fear that we humanitarian optimistic have.

Here in Cambodia I am questioning myself every single day. Am I really making a difference? I believe in the work I do with all of my heart but what is going to happen when I leave in August? 

Almost every day I am reminded to go to different restaurants no more than three times a week, to spread the wealth, not to give beggars money because they will tell the others or because it won't help them once I leave. 

Being reminded that you are only a temporary fix in the larger scheme of things is disheartening. 

I suppose I am questioning when does my heart of being a change agent cross paths with the right resources to make it sustainable?

I'd like to think that my heart is a bit different than others my age. 
And today, I think it is a curse. 

Second Lessons

1. Dollar mojitos are not a challenge. Neither are dollar cosmopolitans or lime daiquiris on Fight Inflation Night.

2. It is impossible to give money to every beggar on the street. Not only that, but some would deem it irresponsible. How will they be better off once you are gone? Don't make temporary promises when it comes to someone's life. That dollar you want to give, is a temporary promise.

3. But that doesn't meant to be stingy either.

4. Always check to make sure someone didn't steal your money before you go to breakfast, or you will have to do dishes.

5. Don't be the asshole who tries to get the pancake street vendor to teach you how to make pancakes, it wastes their resources.

6. Always ask the locals for their names and say good morning to them, even if you can't stop in for coffee.

7. When it comes to ice cream the $1.50 for one scoop won't give you the shits like the .75 cent ice cream does.

Burning Our Safety Net

The 21st day away from home, might have been one of the more impressive ones.

In more than one way my life is quite the paradox. My passion is people and all I want to do is be surrounded by laughter, warm hearts and loved ones. Every now and then I long for not only my solitude but to be able to enjoy it in great abundances. And while I am in the midst of enjoying that great abundance of silence and myself, I find myself frustrated, almost terrified that no one else is around.

Tonight, my housemates left to begin their leg of the job. While it is hard to say goodbye, it appears that is all travel is, I found myself excited to be alone, which is quite different from my original thoughts. When I decided to come to Cambodia, I remember wishing too hard that I will be paired with someone by my side throughout the entire three months. Then again I am a twenty year old, who has only ever been out of the country once, so maybe it isn't entirely an irrational response.

As the week went along, I found myself getting more anxious and excited to be alone.

I guess it was Wednesday night, when I had an more than unpleasant run in with a local here that I realized what I want these next three months to be.

I want these next three months to be about me and I won't allow myself to feel selfish because of that.

The remainder of my time here will be about growth. Growing within myself, growing within a new community, growing as an educator.

It revolve around inspiration and immersing myself in a world that makes me feel so small, that I will feel like I am at home no matter what city I sleep in that night.

The last thing I want is to spend this time with someone else's agenda and plans. More importantly I do not want this summer to be about love. Whether it be about finding it or missing it.

It has only been 21 days and I feel like I have learned more than I would have ever imagined for myself. I have been learning more about what I don't want out of life, instead of solidifying what I do want out of life which at first seemed very daunting, but tonight it seems magical. After all, how lucky am I to be twenty years old, know what my passion is in life but also become aware of what I don't want out of life. People spend their entire lives fucking it up, just so that they can understand one of the two on superficial levels. Not only do I have a beginning realization of these things, but I also have the heart to accept that these things may change along the way.

I would say I am pretty damn lucky.

So maybe it is my feeling of luck that is clouding my judgement and making me naive.

But I am ready to burn this safety net that has so graciously been given to me and start experiencing these next few months for myself.

I want to be twenty and selfish, that way when I am eighty I can love so much better.

Students of Koh Rong

These exact smiles and their tenacious curiosity is the exact inspiration my heart holds to be a teacher. If I could have smiling contest after every assignment check (in this particular case mastering their ABCs), my heart would flood the world with happiness.

The You's and I's

This week consisted of spending time at Koh Kong Island, or Conservation Cambodia. The projects that are happening down there are truly amazing. They are even beginning to get international attention from scientist. Full disclosure I don’t know much about the conservation aspect. I know what they are doing, but I don’t know the logistics. When anything scientific comes to the table I tend to zone out.

What I do know is education. With the major work that has been done in the conservation aspects of the island it has encouraged the presences of education on the island.

While spending time on the island, I kept finding myself having pity for the people on the island.

They wake up.

Sit outside on their front porch.

Go to bed just to do it all over again.

But who am I to judge the quality of a day spent? To be quite frank, I resented myself for my judgmental thoughts. I think it is easier to neglect someone else’s position in the world than to understand it and immerse yourself into their thoughts, their definition of what life ought to be (SYNERGY Day anyone?!).

You realize that this simple island life is all they know.

Just recently did the people on the island begin to sell and trade goods. With the prominent presences of Western volunteers, locals started to realize if they sold candies, soda pop and chips on the island, they would get service, because the closest market was a two hour boat ride away.

Brilliant.

With the international recognition, locals are beginning to marvel in the idea of them being game players in this world. That their small representation that is colored purple, pink, green or yellow depending on what map you buy is worth something – it means something. It means their stories are worth more than they ever imagined before.

How lovely!

I spent the majority of the week on the island observing the English lessons that have been created. Now that the people of Koh Kong know they have a purpose and that they are capable of being a part of Common  

Wealth society there has been a great demand of English language lessons on the island.

At 11AM students around the village gather everyone up and make a quick walk to the two room school, where only one classroom is allocated for use and the other stores some garbage and extra desks. It is an exciting day when the boy students have to go and grab an extra desk or two because that means more students are coming to the lessons!

After an hour of lessons school is over.

The coolest part is the students then congregate on your front porch and you get to spend the rest of the day giggling along with their screeches as they run around.

My personal favorite pass time is playing their version of rock-paper-scissors. Only I thought originally that the scissors represented the number two and the object of the game was to get the highest number … well its not. But it explains all of the pointing and laughing at me.

Then once 8PM rolls around it is time for the adults, usually the parents of the children, to have their English lesson. The best part of this, having the student and the parents share a common experience. The even better part of this, when students come to the adult lessons because they are that eager to learn.

It is probably one of the more inspiring things I have seen in my twenty-so years.

It is quite possible that I have painted this picturesque portrait of an island where English is welcome with open arms and they want to become a huge economic player in the world, but I will admit that is not the entire situation. Like any country who’s main language is not English of course there are going to be people who don’t feel there is an importance for it- and that is fine.

I don’t think that our roles here should be to assimilate cultures into a Westerner box. I think our place lies in encouraging and helping the development of life.

If parents rather their son spend time on the water and not in school, then so be it. I only hope that their son becomes the best damn fisherman of the island so that he can live a healthy, prosperous life.

I think it is our job to foster and enhance the idea that there is a place for every village, every individual in this crazy world.

You and them and I and we. We belong everywhere. 

She Who is Brave is Free

I cannot believe that I have been in Cambodia for a little bit over a week now. It feels like so much longer. It is insane to think I would have been half way through my trip in Africa right now a year and half ago.

Today I have had more down time than any other day thus far and it is quite rejuvenating. It is nice to feel like my feet are molding into the feet that will be carrying me along this journey for the next three months. It took a bit longer for me to get adjusted than I would have imagined but we are getting there. It also doesn't help getting a seasonal cold in a third world country with 4000% humidity.

These six months away from home will be the longest period of time I have been away from my family and friends. That feeling of being misplaced or the feeling of missing out has had a lot to do with the idleness of immersing myself in an entirely new country. It is odd, the feeling of being completely free from not coming home, yet not completely immersed into somewhere else. It is almost as if you could fall off the face of the Earth and it wouldn't even matter because you didn't belong anywhere.

Another reason I think I have had a harder time than expected is that this is not Africa. With that said, I could never draw a conclusion of which one is better or which one is more important. The truth of the matter is they both are key elements into the stitching of my heart. Ever since I was a little girl, though, Africa has always been my cause and purpose. When I went there a year and half ago, a girl named Zola became the portrait of that. In a weird way I felt as if I was doing a disservice to Africa and Zola. I felt guilty for being here in Cambodia and not in South Africa. I've said it may times before, Cambodia was never on my radar of places to live, visit maybe, but it was never urgent and so that has thrown me for a different loop. But isn't that what life is all about after all? Being able to experience something that wasn't on your radar. I wonder just how boring my life would be if I only received the things or experiences on my radar. (I sure as hell would not be having the worst dating stories over cocktails that is for sure!)

So it has taken a little bit of time to get use to Cambodia but we sure are making just fine company to one another.

Being the youngest person of the group is difficult.
Being the only person who has never been to South East Asia is difficult.
Being someone who hates rice and is living in Asia is difficult.

But we will make it along just fine.