Burning Our Safety Net

The 21st day away from home, might have been one of the more impressive ones.

In more than one way my life is quite the paradox. My passion is people and all I want to do is be surrounded by laughter, warm hearts and loved ones. Every now and then I long for not only my solitude but to be able to enjoy it in great abundances. And while I am in the midst of enjoying that great abundance of silence and myself, I find myself frustrated, almost terrified that no one else is around.

Tonight, my housemates left to begin their leg of the job. While it is hard to say goodbye, it appears that is all travel is, I found myself excited to be alone, which is quite different from my original thoughts. When I decided to come to Cambodia, I remember wishing too hard that I will be paired with someone by my side throughout the entire three months. Then again I am a twenty year old, who has only ever been out of the country once, so maybe it isn't entirely an irrational response.

As the week went along, I found myself getting more anxious and excited to be alone.

I guess it was Wednesday night, when I had an more than unpleasant run in with a local here that I realized what I want these next three months to be.

I want these next three months to be about me and I won't allow myself to feel selfish because of that.

The remainder of my time here will be about growth. Growing within myself, growing within a new community, growing as an educator.

It revolve around inspiration and immersing myself in a world that makes me feel so small, that I will feel like I am at home no matter what city I sleep in that night.

The last thing I want is to spend this time with someone else's agenda and plans. More importantly I do not want this summer to be about love. Whether it be about finding it or missing it.

It has only been 21 days and I feel like I have learned more than I would have ever imagined for myself. I have been learning more about what I don't want out of life, instead of solidifying what I do want out of life which at first seemed very daunting, but tonight it seems magical. After all, how lucky am I to be twenty years old, know what my passion is in life but also become aware of what I don't want out of life. People spend their entire lives fucking it up, just so that they can understand one of the two on superficial levels. Not only do I have a beginning realization of these things, but I also have the heart to accept that these things may change along the way.

I would say I am pretty damn lucky.

So maybe it is my feeling of luck that is clouding my judgement and making me naive.

But I am ready to burn this safety net that has so graciously been given to me and start experiencing these next few months for myself.

I want to be twenty and selfish, that way when I am eighty I can love so much better.